Category: Submission

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Kink and Relationships Series: Dominant/submissive Roles and Rules

handcuffs

A dominant-submissive (D/s) relationship is a type of BDSM relationship that involves power exchange between two consenting adults. In this type of relationship, one partner takes on the role of the dominant, while the other partner takes on the role of the submissive. The dominant partner is responsible for setting rules, boundaries, and expectations within agreed upon limits, while the submissive partner agrees to follow them. If you’re interested in exploring a dominant-submissive dynamic, it’s important to understand the basic roles and rules involved.

The Role of the Dominant

The Dominant is responsible for taking the lead in the relationship and setting the tone for the power exchange. They are responsible for setting rules, boundaries, and expectations for the submissive partner. They may also engage in activities such as bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism.Both parties should negotiate their dynamic in advance to ensure they are comfortable with the activities involved and the type of power being exchanged. It is the role of the Dominant to provide a safe space for the submissive and provide aftercare. 

The Role of the Submissive

The submissive agrees to follow the rules, boundaries, and expectations set by the dominant partner. They may also engage in acts of service such as cleaning, serving drinks, preparing food, or performing other tasks as directed by the Dominant. It’s important for the submissive partner to communicate their needs and desires to ensure that their boundaries are respected and followed.

Basic Rules in a Dominant-Submissive Relationship

1. Consent: All activities in a dominant-submissive relationship should be consensual and agreed upon by both parties. It’s important for both partners to communicate their boundaries and limits.  Boundaries need to be set in advance when everyone is thinking calmly and clearly.

2. Safe words: Safe words are important in a dominant-submissive relationship to ensure that both parties feel safe and comfortable. A safe word is a special word that either partner can use to signal that they want a particular activity to stop. The use of a safe word is imperative if a scene or session has gone beyond either partner’s comfort level. In addition to a full stop safe word, you can establish check in words and phrases to determine where the submissive is physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Some people use a “red, yellow, green” system wherein the word green means I am having the experience I want to have, yellow means “let’s slow down, but not end the session” and red means “everything needs to stop now.”

3. Communication: Communication is key in any relationship, but it is imperative in a D/s relationship. Both partners should be able to communicate openly and honestly about their needs, desires, and boundaries.

4. Respect: Both partners should show respect for each other at all times, even when engaging in power exchange activities.

5. Aftercare: Aftercare is the care and attention given after a power exchange activity to ensure their emotional and physical well-being. Dominants or submissives may enter a heavily emotional headspace, and at the conclusion of a seen may experience an emotional “crash.”  Aftercare is an important time for both the Dominant to reconnect, reassure, and soothe and care for one another. Aftercare is important for the mental health and well-being of both individuals.

A D/s dynamic can be an exciting and rewarding experience for many if practiced under safe, sane, consensual boundaries. The Dominant is responsible for setting rules, boundaries, and expectations within agreed upon limits, while the submissive agrees to follow them. It’s important for both partners to communicate openly and honestly about their needs and desires, and to show respect for each other at all times. 

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Growth Beyond Dissonance

flower

As human beings, it is not uncommon for us to experience dissonance, a state of discomfort caused by a disconnect between our thoughts and actions, or between our beliefs and desires. Navigating this dissonance plays a key role in how we change and grow. When we become aware of a dissonance, we experience distress.

It’s not pleasant to feel dissonance, but it is a prompt that indicates we need to change in some way. In what way though should we change? Does the thought or belief need to change, or is it the action or desire that needs to change? It’s hard to even think clearly about what needs to be changed when we’re in the grips of being distressed about the dissonance we’re feeling.

I had this same experience when I first began to question my sexuality, gender, and desired relationship dynamics. Red felt this same dissonance when she wanted to reconnect with her faith. As a pastor, I had colleagues that I could go to for advice, but for most of them, I knew what the answer would be. I knew who would tell me to stay closeted and who would tell me to come out. It took some hard thought and effort to find a peer who would listen to my situation and really help me untangle the mess that I was in.

This is now one of the services that I provide for others. Let me help you explore what you believe, what you want, and your feelings behind this dissonance. I won’t tell you what to do, I will help you unpack what you are experiencing and help you uncover your path forward.

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Reflections on a Journey – Defining Submission

submission, handcuffs

These are my reflections and not necessarily how others view their role. As with all kink related activities they MUST ALWAYS be safe, sane, and consensual between adults. 

Submission is defined by Merriam-Webster as the following:

  1. A: a legal agreement to submit the decision of arbitrators B: an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection)
  2. the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant
  3. an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

The Wikipedia BDSM Glossary defines submissive as: a person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified period (Not to be confused with “bottom” or “slave”). When I define submission and being a submissive I incorporate both the vanilla and the kink definitions. Since the beginning of my exploration and trying to figure out where I fit into all this and even if I do, I kept coming back to these definitions.

I thought I was a switch. I mean, that makes sense since I’m an insane control freak. I like to have a plan for everything! A map set out and one I have created. Clearly I couldn’t possibly be solely submissive with that kind of attitude, right?

Let’s look at the first part of the Webster definition, “a legal agreement to submit the decision of arbitrators or an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection)”. In all my controlling needs, I never really make my final decisions. I always submit my ideas, desires and/or body to someone and in the end what is chosen is what I consent to doing.

Then I thought, well I must not be completely submissive because I am anything but compliant sometimes. However, after careful examination over the last 5 years, I’ve come to realize this is not entirely true. In the process of submitting my ideas, desires and/or body, I may get a little “bratty” or “non-compliant” while waiting for a final decision in hopes to push it in my favor. In the end though, what is decided is final. When given a decision sternly and with finality, I am 100% compliant. I am humbled daily by those in authority that I respect that view me as a “good girl”.

Then there is the actual act of submitting to the authority or control of another (which in this case is also part of the BDSM definition, so I shall use them together). I have realized that this kind of submission is what I crave. Not that I don’t have my own thoughts or ideas but to have one person make those final decisions. I am not one that is comfortable making the final decision. I will worry and second guess myself every time. If I want to give someone my body to use, of course I will have ideas and thoughts about how this should be done, but in the end they decide how that looks (either incorporating my ideas or completely dismissing them. Within negotiated limits.). Either way, I feel free when the decision is made and less likely to worry.

I used to think I was a swtich because I was attempting to put vanilla world filters over the roles. I control my work, my family, interactions with friends, so I must not be submissive. I am re-thinking this based on what I see when I’m not vanilla. At my very core (even in vanilla life), I’m happy to be a “worker bee”, I get pride out of doing a job or task presented to me and being told I’ve pleased people. With those I allow close to me and to be intimate with, I crave direction and authority and I’m happy to be of service.

So being submissive and submission mean this to me: allowing the give and take of ideas and desires between me and my Dom but ultimately following his authority and decision. It means respecting him as that decision maker both publicly and privately. It means I give up part of myself to gain a part of myself.

If you have been questioning what your “role” is and how to define it within the kink community J.R. Wolfe Coaching is here to help. Check out our service offerings HERE.