Category: BDSM

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Coming out as… kinky

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I grew up terrified of my own anger and afraid to have my own preferences. My personality was very much so “go along to get along.” I was good at telling what other people wanted and convincing myself that I had no preference, or even that I did in fact want what they wanted.  Having a parent who was a survivor of childhood physical abuse, and being sensitive to the emotions of others, I was aware that my parent became a huge ball of stress and fear when anyone got angry. In their mind, when someone got angry, it was likely that someone would get hurt.

Because of these factors, BDSM was far from my mind. Add to that the fact that I grew up in the midst of Christian purity culture in the 90s, and I had no idea how much I would love being a dominant. Purity culture was a movement wherein every youth event seemed to be about not having sex until you were married and girls being “modest” to avoid causing boys to think sinful thoughts. Because of purity culture, I idealized romantic relationships and could not imagine doing anything “disrespectful” to my partner.

I had been married several years before I really internalized that if my spouse and I really wanted to do it, discussed it, and agreed to it, we could have all sorts of fun sex and still be in love. While we did enjoy some sorts of kink together, by-and-large our kinks did not line up.  

Ultimately, things worked out for us. We were at a meet and greet and met another couple whose kinks did align.

I now have a service submissive who is also a masochist (we run a certain coaching business together), and we’ve been together for about five years. While our dynamic is fun, I have found healing and completeness through BDSM. I finally learned (outside of work, where my position gave me authority) to boldly ask for what I wanted, to demand it even, without fear of breaking a relationship with someone who mattered to me. Indeed, my sub thrives on having someone else to make decisions (after she has explored options).

Embracing my sadism (mostly through flogging and wax play) with a masochist has meant that I have learned the difference between anger and aggression. I have learned to feel and express my emotions more clearly, be more honest with myself about when I am angry, and begin to truly experience these emotions I had feared as just another set of emotions no different from others.This in turn, has made me much happier.

Interested in exploring the world of kink or BDSM? Let J.R. coach you through how to learn about kink and learn about how to communicate your desires to your partner.

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Kink and Relationships Series: Dominant/submissive Roles and Rules

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A dominant-submissive (D/s) relationship is a type of BDSM relationship that involves power exchange between two consenting adults. In this type of relationship, one partner takes on the role of the dominant, while the other partner takes on the role of the submissive. The dominant partner is responsible for setting rules, boundaries, and expectations within agreed upon limits, while the submissive partner agrees to follow them. If you’re interested in exploring a dominant-submissive dynamic, it’s important to understand the basic roles and rules involved.

The Role of the Dominant

The Dominant is responsible for taking the lead in the relationship and setting the tone for the power exchange. They are responsible for setting rules, boundaries, and expectations for the submissive partner. They may also engage in activities such as bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism.Both parties should negotiate their dynamic in advance to ensure they are comfortable with the activities involved and the type of power being exchanged. It is the role of the Dominant to provide a safe space for the submissive and provide aftercare. 

The Role of the Submissive

The submissive agrees to follow the rules, boundaries, and expectations set by the dominant partner. They may also engage in acts of service such as cleaning, serving drinks, preparing food, or performing other tasks as directed by the Dominant. It’s important for the submissive partner to communicate their needs and desires to ensure that their boundaries are respected and followed.

Basic Rules in a Dominant-Submissive Relationship

1. Consent: All activities in a dominant-submissive relationship should be consensual and agreed upon by both parties. It’s important for both partners to communicate their boundaries and limits.  Boundaries need to be set in advance when everyone is thinking calmly and clearly.

2. Safe words: Safe words are important in a dominant-submissive relationship to ensure that both parties feel safe and comfortable. A safe word is a special word that either partner can use to signal that they want a particular activity to stop. The use of a safe word is imperative if a scene or session has gone beyond either partner’s comfort level. In addition to a full stop safe word, you can establish check in words and phrases to determine where the submissive is physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Some people use a “red, yellow, green” system wherein the word green means I am having the experience I want to have, yellow means “let’s slow down, but not end the session” and red means “everything needs to stop now.”

3. Communication: Communication is key in any relationship, but it is imperative in a D/s relationship. Both partners should be able to communicate openly and honestly about their needs, desires, and boundaries.

4. Respect: Both partners should show respect for each other at all times, even when engaging in power exchange activities.

5. Aftercare: Aftercare is the care and attention given after a power exchange activity to ensure their emotional and physical well-being. Dominants or submissives may enter a heavily emotional headspace, and at the conclusion of a seen may experience an emotional “crash.”  Aftercare is an important time for both the Dominant to reconnect, reassure, and soothe and care for one another. Aftercare is important for the mental health and well-being of both individuals.

A D/s dynamic can be an exciting and rewarding experience for many if practiced under safe, sane, consensual boundaries. The Dominant is responsible for setting rules, boundaries, and expectations within agreed upon limits, while the submissive agrees to follow them. It’s important for both partners to communicate openly and honestly about their needs and desires, and to show respect for each other at all times.