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Coming out as… kinky

open door

I grew up terrified of my own anger and afraid to have my own preferences. My personality was very much so “go along to get along.” I was good at telling what other people wanted and convincing myself that I had no preference, or even that I did in fact want what they wanted.  Having a parent who was a survivor of childhood physical abuse, and being sensitive to the emotions of others, I was aware that my parent became a huge ball of stress and fear when anyone got angry. In their mind, when someone got angry, it was likely that someone would get hurt.

Because of these factors, BDSM was far from my mind. Add to that the fact that I grew up in the midst of Christian purity culture in the 90s, and I had no idea how much I would love being a dominant. Purity culture was a movement wherein every youth event seemed to be about not having sex until you were married and girls being “modest” to avoid causing boys to think sinful thoughts. Because of purity culture, I idealized romantic relationships and could not imagine doing anything “disrespectful” to my partner.

I had been married several years before I really internalized that if my spouse and I really wanted to do it, discussed it, and agreed to it, we could have all sorts of fun sex and still be in love. While we did enjoy some sorts of kink together, by-and-large our kinks did not line up.  

Ultimately, things worked out for us. We were at a meet and greet and met another couple whose kinks did align.

I now have a service submissive who is also a masochist (we run a certain coaching business together), and we’ve been together for about five years. While our dynamic is fun, I have found healing and completeness through BDSM. I finally learned (outside of work, where my position gave me authority) to boldly ask for what I wanted, to demand it even, without fear of breaking a relationship with someone who mattered to me. Indeed, my sub thrives on having someone else to make decisions (after she has explored options).

Embracing my sadism (mostly through flogging and wax play) with a masochist has meant that I have learned the difference between anger and aggression. I have learned to feel and express my emotions more clearly, be more honest with myself about when I am angry, and begin to truly experience these emotions I had feared as just another set of emotions no different from others.This in turn, has made me much happier.

Interested in exploring the world of kink or BDSM? Let J.R. coach you through how to learn about kink and learn about how to communicate your desires to your partner.

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Kink and Relationships Series: Dominant/submissive Roles and Rules

handcuffs

A dominant-submissive (D/s) relationship is a type of BDSM relationship that involves power exchange between two consenting adults. In this type of relationship, one partner takes on the role of the dominant, while the other partner takes on the role of the submissive. The dominant partner is responsible for setting rules, boundaries, and expectations within agreed upon limits, while the submissive partner agrees to follow them. If you’re interested in exploring a dominant-submissive dynamic, it’s important to understand the basic roles and rules involved.

The Role of the Dominant

The Dominant is responsible for taking the lead in the relationship and setting the tone for the power exchange. They are responsible for setting rules, boundaries, and expectations for the submissive partner. They may also engage in activities such as bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism.Both parties should negotiate their dynamic in advance to ensure they are comfortable with the activities involved and the type of power being exchanged. It is the role of the Dominant to provide a safe space for the submissive and provide aftercare. 

The Role of the Submissive

The submissive agrees to follow the rules, boundaries, and expectations set by the dominant partner. They may also engage in acts of service such as cleaning, serving drinks, preparing food, or performing other tasks as directed by the Dominant. It’s important for the submissive partner to communicate their needs and desires to ensure that their boundaries are respected and followed.

Basic Rules in a Dominant-Submissive Relationship

1. Consent: All activities in a dominant-submissive relationship should be consensual and agreed upon by both parties. It’s important for both partners to communicate their boundaries and limits.  Boundaries need to be set in advance when everyone is thinking calmly and clearly.

2. Safe words: Safe words are important in a dominant-submissive relationship to ensure that both parties feel safe and comfortable. A safe word is a special word that either partner can use to signal that they want a particular activity to stop. The use of a safe word is imperative if a scene or session has gone beyond either partner’s comfort level. In addition to a full stop safe word, you can establish check in words and phrases to determine where the submissive is physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Some people use a “red, yellow, green” system wherein the word green means I am having the experience I want to have, yellow means “let’s slow down, but not end the session” and red means “everything needs to stop now.”

3. Communication: Communication is key in any relationship, but it is imperative in a D/s relationship. Both partners should be able to communicate openly and honestly about their needs, desires, and boundaries.

4. Respect: Both partners should show respect for each other at all times, even when engaging in power exchange activities.

5. Aftercare: Aftercare is the care and attention given after a power exchange activity to ensure their emotional and physical well-being. Dominants or submissives may enter a heavily emotional headspace, and at the conclusion of a seen may experience an emotional “crash.”  Aftercare is an important time for both the Dominant to reconnect, reassure, and soothe and care for one another. Aftercare is important for the mental health and well-being of both individuals.

A D/s dynamic can be an exciting and rewarding experience for many if practiced under safe, sane, consensual boundaries. The Dominant is responsible for setting rules, boundaries, and expectations within agreed upon limits, while the submissive agrees to follow them. It’s important for both partners to communicate openly and honestly about their needs and desires, and to show respect for each other at all times. 

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Why Do I Do This Work?

helping

JR

Offering such a unique set of services at JR Wolfe Coaching, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask us why we chose to do this work.  While I cannot answer this question for Red, I certainly never thought I would be doing this kind of work or even owning a business. More than forty years of life experience has gradually brought me to this point. It would be impossible to give you a full answer without telling you my full life story, but I will share with you a few key motivations.

The Last Straw: Let’s start near the end. I was participating in a Reddit forum where people shared experiences with and advice about kinky sex when I ran across a post requesting advice. The entire point of the post is that this person felt a craving for kinky sex, but believed they couldn’t have it because they were a Christian. The answer to this crisis was simple: God doesn’t prohibit kinky sex, the Bible doesn’t tell us what kinds of sex we can have, and any shame or stigma that may come from being tied up or spanking someone or wearing a catsuit or placing a locked collar around someone’s neck comes purely from mistaken Christian people, not from God. While people may engage in theological and ethical arguments over some of the groups we work with, there is simply no argument to be had here

I Love It: I don’t know that I necessarily believe that “if you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life,” but I do love what I do.  At my deepest core, I love God, I love people, I love talking to people, I like watching other people succeed and be happy, and I’ve felt that happiness myself. I’ve always enjoyed roles where I could give people the tools they needed, sometimes inventing those tools, and then watch them go out and use them to succeed.

I’ve Lived It: I was not unhappy before I discovered my own identity or sexuality or before I got into kink, but I did begin to live a much more full and fulfilled life once I did.  Each experience was a struggle: discovering that I was capable of loving more than one person, discovering I got pleasure from power exchange, discovering that I was nonbinary, discovering that I was attracted to people across the gender spectrum (for more on these, see my “coming out” series of blog posts).  With each discovery came pain.  Each challenged the way I saw myself. Each involved difficult conversations with my spouse and my friends. Each required soul searching, therapy, and the guidance of a good spiritual director.

It’s My Gift: God created me, and my family raised me, as a non judgemental listener with the natural ability to put myself in other people’s shoes. I’ve done this in many settings, from walking with friends through hard times to my work as a professional church worker (as a friend used to say “professional God person”). This was the right time to begin this business. There are plenty of Christian spaces where I could happily and openly work, but most of the large organizations are deeply conservative and would require me to stay closeted. If I was going to be out and make a living doing what I love, it was time to make my own way.

It’s in My Blood: My family has been full of church workers.  Each of them in their own place and time shook up the status quo. Whether it was performing interracial marriages in the American South, participating in the civil rights movement, opposing unjust wars, integrating previously homogenous churches, or working with people with AIDS back when the church was calling it “God’s judgement on gays,” all the examples of faith that I grew up with were people who made the world a better place by doing things that the larger American church looked down on.

It Has to be Done: I’ve spent my life in progressive Christian churches where LGBTQ+ people were welcomed as fully part of the church. I’ve been a member of and worked in churches that want to talk about racial, social, and ecological justice. Yet, the average person would say that Christians do not believe in these things. This is a result of the current political and media climate. The largest and best funded Christian organizations do not believe in these things. The loudest voices get on the news because they say the dumbest, most attention grabbing things. There is another way, and it’s out there if you want to be part of it, yet so many of us carry around so much spiritual abuse and spiritual trauma that the prospect is daunting.

If you’ve stepped away from faith because of who you are or the things you want, we want to help you reconnect with The Divine. If you’ve repressed yourself in order to fit in with your religious community, we want to help you reconnect to yourself.

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Growth Beyond Dissonance

flower

As human beings, it is not uncommon for us to experience dissonance, a state of discomfort caused by a disconnect between our thoughts and actions, or between our beliefs and desires. Navigating this dissonance plays a key role in how we change and grow. When we become aware of a dissonance, we experience distress.

It’s not pleasant to feel dissonance, but it is a prompt that indicates we need to change in some way. In what way though should we change? Does the thought or belief need to change, or is it the action or desire that needs to change? It’s hard to even think clearly about what needs to be changed when we’re in the grips of being distressed about the dissonance we’re feeling.

I had this same experience when I first began to question my sexuality, gender, and desired relationship dynamics. Red felt this same dissonance when she wanted to reconnect with her faith. As a pastor, I had colleagues that I could go to for advice, but for most of them, I knew what the answer would be. I knew who would tell me to stay closeted and who would tell me to come out. It took some hard thought and effort to find a peer who would listen to my situation and really help me untangle the mess that I was in.

This is now one of the services that I provide for others. Let me help you explore what you believe, what you want, and your feelings behind this dissonance. I won’t tell you what to do, I will help you unpack what you are experiencing and help you uncover your path forward.

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Why Do I Do This?

lake night

Red

Looking at my life and the crazy turns it has taken I can see how I got here. The need to help people and make sure they feel important and seen has been a part of who I am from a very young age. I grew up in a non-denominational Christian church with a father who loved God and wanted nothing more than to be in heaven, but he also did not question anything taught at church. My mother who had a profound love for God still insisted that her children have critical thinking skills and ask questions. I can not say that this has made my life choices easier, and I still have many personal trauma issues with regard to my religious upbringing. What it did was give me the compassion to think about things from other people’s perspectives rather than my own. 

I identify as straight and I would never have even considered polyamory or kink or anything other than a traditional mainstream lifestyle in the past mainly because of the extreme religious doctrine surrounding sexuality and intimacy that I grew up with. I grew up in the late 80s early 90s so the LGBTQ+ community was still quite on the fringe. “Transgender” as we know it now wasn’t something people spoke of but of course it was there. I never understood the vilification of the community. In my view, God was a loving parent to ALL of God’s children and God’s anger was reserved for those that did not take care of or hurt others. My mother made sure I valued inclusion and I was rather shielded from the prejudices within my church home at the time. 

It was as an adult and as a parent that I soon realized the discrepancy between what I truly believed God to be and what my “church” was telling me God was. It was incredibly disheartening. How could you shun someone just for loving someone? This flew in the face of everything I believed God to be. This became even more apparent when my middle child came out to us at the age of 13 as non-binary. We of course welcomed them and their identity with open arms but they were extremely hesitant to be their true self, especially at our church. 

As the political and religious climate became more and intense surrounding the LGBTQ+ community I was also finding out some things about myself. I am polyamorous. I have a need for multiple intimate, loving relationships. I don’t do simple friendships, they aren’t always sexual of course but I truly LOVE those I consider friends both physically and emotionally.

So here I was with a child who was being shunned and labeled a ‘sinner” in the eyes of my church and then there was me, a loving person who tries to make others happy also a “sinner” because of the love I have. It is only in the last few years that I’ve tried to bring harmony to these two elements of my life.

I never stopped believing in God, but am only now trying to restore my relationship to church. Loving people, loving who you are, accepting who you are and sharing that love and joy with others IS what God intended for all of us. God wants us to experience the vast limitless love that the divine has for us. God gave us this life to enjoy and revel in, not hide in the shadows and judge each other.

I want to remind people who need it and deserve it that God has never stopped loving them. Working with the LGBTQ+, kink, non-monogamous, and alternative lifestyle communities is my way of sharing God’s love which in the end is what Jesus commanded of us. Love one another, nothing more, nothing less.

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Tips for Effective Communication

polyamory heart

Polyamory Series

Polyamorous relationships can be an exciting and rewarding experience, but it also requires a great deal of communication and understanding between all parties involved. Unlike monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships involve multiple partners and require a higher level of communication to ensure that everyone’s needs are being met.

It’s important to establish good communication techniques right from the start. Here are some tips to help you communicate effectively in your relationship:

1. Be honest and transparent

Honesty is key in any relationship, but it’s especially important in a polyamorous one. All parties involved need to be open and transparent about their feelings, desires, and boundaries. This means being honest about what you are looking for in the relationship, what your limitations are, and what you’re comfortable with.

2. Listen actively

Effective communication involves active listening, which means paying attention to what your partners are saying and responding in a way that shows you’ve heard and understood them. Emphasize hearing before forming your own judgements, responses, or questions.  Make sure you’re fully present when you’re having conversations with your partners, and take the time to ask questions and clarify any misunderstandings.

3. Check in frequently

Polyamorous relationships require ongoing communication to ensure that everyone’s needs are being met. Check in with your partners regularly to see how they’re feeling and what they need from the relationship. This can help you avoid misunderstandings and address any issues before they become bigger problems.

4. Respect boundaries

Setting boundaries is an important part of any relationship, but it’s especially important in a polyamorous one. Make sure you respect your partners’ boundaries and communicate your own clearly. This can help you avoid misunderstandings and ensure that everyone feels safe and respected in the relationship.

5. Use “I” statements

When communicating your feelings, use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. This can help you avoid sounding accusatory or confrontational and can make it easier for your partners to understand your perspective. For example, instead of saying “you never listen to me,” you could say “I feel unheard when I’m talking to you.”

6. Be patient

Effective communication takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and your partners as you work to establish good communication techniques. Remember that it’s okay to make mistakes and that learning to communicate effectively is an ongoing process.

Polyamorous relationships require good communication techniques to ensure that everyone’s needs are being met. By being honest and transparent, actively listening, checking in frequently, respecting boundaries, using “I” statements, and being patient, you can establish a strong foundation of effective communication in your new and future relationships.

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Exegesis vs. Eisegesis

Series: Church, Faith, and the Bible

Think of the depictions of Jesus that you’ve seen. Let’s for a moment ignore the fact that there’s a 98% chance that he looks European.  Does he have a beard? That’s more like 50/50. It’s likely though that as a Jewish man living in the Holy Land, that he probably had a beard. Why then did Christians judge people in the 60s who had long hair and a beard as being “unchristian”?

It comes down to a pair of great seminary words: exegesis and eisegesis. Exegesis is the process of going to the Bible and reading it to try to determine what it’s saying. This isn’t an easy process. After all, it was written in a couple of dead languages by a bunch of authors two thousand years ago and over the course of hundreds of years.

Exegesis is hard. You have to consider language, history, the unknown intent of the author, and the context of all the other things the Bible says over its many many many pages.  It makes it hard to say things like “the Bible clearly says…” You end up having to say uncomfortable things like “given the historical context and the audience to which the letter is written, I find it likely that. . . .” It just doesn’t play well in an argument with someone holding a sign and a megaphone on a street corner or with your fundamentalist uncle over Thanksgiving turkey.

Now let’s talk about eisegesis. Eisegesis is the reverse of exegesis. In any good seminary, it’s taught as a logical fallacy to be avoided at all costs. It’s something that everyone who has ever talked about the Bible (including me) has done. Eisegesis is when you take your opinion to the Bible, and find a couple of texts to justify what you already believe. It takes the Bible not in context, but in isolation.  It’s incredible how good eisegesis looks on hand drawn signs and sounds shouted from megaphones!  It lets you say things like “The Bible clearly says…” and “I’m just reading the Bible, I don’t need your intellectual trickery,” it lets you put a single scripture reference behind a phrase like “God hates _____” and treat that single verse like proof.

But, it’s wrong. It’s a logical fallacy. It’s like arguing something is right because “that’s what I think.” It’s treating opinion as proof. Let’s think about just a few of the things that Christians have felt that “the Bible clearly said:”

  • Slavery is a good thing 
  • North America has been given to white Europeans
  • There is only one position in which you can have sex
  • People are poor because they are lazy
  • God wants you to go to X land and kill Y people
  • Opposing the Church is punishable by death
  • The king is God’s presence on earth
  • Any and all sex is inherently sinful
  • Alcohol should be outlawed
  • You’ll go to hell if you have tattoos, long hair, or facial hair
  • Women wear dresses and men wear pants (not many people even had pants in the time of the Bible)
  • Science is worthless
  • Women belong in the home
  • God opposes communism (and loves capitalism)
  • Sex which can’t result in pregnancy is wrong
  • God hates gays
  • America is God’s chosen country (find me America in the Bible)
  • Drag shows are a threat to society

Each of these has been, and often still is, justified with an appeal to scripture and a nice, tidy, isolated scripture or set of scriptures. If you disagree, you must be wrong, and maybe evil, because “the Bible clearly says. …”

If you’ve been burned by people telling you what “the Bible clearly says,” you don’t have to take their word for it, or mine either. Explore it for yourself, and if you’d like some guidance on where to start and how to understand this strange but amazing book, we would love to help. Check out our spiritual direction services.

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Reflections on a Journey – Defining Submission

submission, handcuffs

These are my reflections and not necessarily how others view their role. As with all kink related activities they MUST ALWAYS be safe, sane, and consensual between adults. 

Submission is defined by Merriam-Webster as the following:

  1. A: a legal agreement to submit the decision of arbitrators B: an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection)
  2. the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant
  3. an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

The Wikipedia BDSM Glossary defines submissive as: a person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified period (Not to be confused with “bottom” or “slave”). When I define submission and being a submissive I incorporate both the vanilla and the kink definitions. Since the beginning of my exploration and trying to figure out where I fit into all this and even if I do, I kept coming back to these definitions.

I thought I was a switch. I mean, that makes sense since I’m an insane control freak. I like to have a plan for everything! A map set out and one I have created. Clearly I couldn’t possibly be solely submissive with that kind of attitude, right?

Let’s look at the first part of the Webster definition, “a legal agreement to submit the decision of arbitrators or an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection)”. In all my controlling needs, I never really make my final decisions. I always submit my ideas, desires and/or body to someone and in the end what is chosen is what I consent to doing.

Then I thought, well I must not be completely submissive because I am anything but compliant sometimes. However, after careful examination over the last 5 years, I’ve come to realize this is not entirely true. In the process of submitting my ideas, desires and/or body, I may get a little “bratty” or “non-compliant” while waiting for a final decision in hopes to push it in my favor. In the end though, what is decided is final. When given a decision sternly and with finality, I am 100% compliant. I am humbled daily by those in authority that I respect that view me as a “good girl”.

Then there is the actual act of submitting to the authority or control of another (which in this case is also part of the BDSM definition, so I shall use them together). I have realized that this kind of submission is what I crave. Not that I don’t have my own thoughts or ideas but to have one person make those final decisions. I am not one that is comfortable making the final decision. I will worry and second guess myself every time. If I want to give someone my body to use, of course I will have ideas and thoughts about how this should be done, but in the end they decide how that looks (either incorporating my ideas or completely dismissing them. Within negotiated limits.). Either way, I feel free when the decision is made and less likely to worry.

I used to think I was a swtich because I was attempting to put vanilla world filters over the roles. I control my work, my family, interactions with friends, so I must not be submissive. I am re-thinking this based on what I see when I’m not vanilla. At my very core (even in vanilla life), I’m happy to be a “worker bee”, I get pride out of doing a job or task presented to me and being told I’ve pleased people. With those I allow close to me and to be intimate with, I crave direction and authority and I’m happy to be of service.

So being submissive and submission mean this to me: allowing the give and take of ideas and desires between me and my Dom but ultimately following his authority and decision. It means respecting him as that decision maker both publicly and privately. It means I give up part of myself to gain a part of myself.

If you have been questioning what your “role” is and how to define it within the kink community J.R. Wolfe Coaching is here to help. Check out our service offerings HERE.

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Coming Out… – Series

open door

as Enby

I was assigned male at birth (AMAB).  I lived identifying as male for more than 35 years.  Though I did not begin to question this identification for a long time, eventually things shifted and I realized I would be happier if I could let go of this label.  For years I would secretly crossdress, trying on some of my spouse’s clothes when I was home alone.  I simply loved wearing sundresses and sweater dresses.

I had always been one of those guys who hung out mostly with girls.  I had few male friends.  While I did play some sports in school, my focus was on drama, writing, and other less “masculine” spaces.  The fact of the matter was that I always felt that relationships with guys were inherently competitive: discouraging and punishing vulnerability, and requiring me to put on an act.  I always preferred to have female doctors and therapists, so that I felt like I had the space to be vulnerable and admit that not everything was okay.

I’ve suffered from depression and seasonal affective disorder for most of my life.  When the COVID pandemic began, I was spirling.  I’m an extrovert and was unable to “recharge my batteries” by getting out of the house and being with other people.  It was during this time that I began to realize that crossdressing was relieving my depression.  By this time my wife knew that I sometimes wore her clothes, and I began buying some of my own.  I began to hang out on Reddit in crossdressing forums and began to hear more stories from gender nonconforming people.

Then it hit me.  When I got depressed, my depression was compounded by a feeling that I was being “unmasculine.”  I would be emotional, easily hurt, and felt like I was being needy.  These feelings just added shame to the depression and made everything worse.

I had a choice.  I could keep kicking myself when I was down.  I could spend years of therapy trying to let go of that shame with no promise that I would ever succeed.  OR, I could simply let go of the idea of needing to conform to society’s idea of being “male.”

I came out to my family and close friends as nonbinary.  I began using both he and they pronouns.  I wore what made me feel good when I could (I have remained closeted in my professional spaces due to working in nonaffirming Christian spaces).  I began to accept that just as I sometimes wanted to wear a suit and tie to feel handsome, I also wanted sometimes to wear a sundress and eye shadow to feel pretty.  I stopped judging my feelings for being the wrong kind of feelings and accepted that they were only feelings and therefore neither good nor bad.

This has been one of the most freeing decisions of my life and I only wish I had made it sooner.

Are you confused about the difference between gender and sex?  Check out the Genderbread person.

Are you in a church that does not accept members of the LGBTQIA+ community?  Check out our Resources page to find inclusive churches near you. 

Would you like to work toward feeling accepted by yourself and God?  Try working with me toward your goals.

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What Is Spiritual Direction

Spiritual Direction

What is it and why might you need it?  Let’s begin by looking at what spiritual direction is not.

Spiritual direction is not:

  • A replacement for a church, mosque, synagogue or other religious congregation
  • Counseling, therapy, or “Biblical counseling”
  • A denominational program
  • A way of converting you to a specific belief

Spiritual direction is a one-on-one or small group process of working intentionally toward deepening your relationship with The Divine. Most spiritual traditions have some form of Spiritual Direction.

Have you experienced spiritual abuse or trauma that pushed you not only away from religion, but from God as well? Do you feel a tension between what you were told you “need to believe” and what you think you may actually believe? Would you like to reconnect with your faith? Are you feeling that you want to go “deeper” into your spiritual beliefs and make them a bigger part of your everyday life?

A spiritual director listens to these goals and challenges and works with you to achieve your goals. This may include talking through your spiritual history, exploring what you personally believe and why, trying out new spiritual practices (such as different forms of prayer or meditation) and incorporating them into your daily life.

JR will not force you to believe what they believe or use the spiritual practices they use. Instead they will practice holy curiosity, traveling with you and helping you to discover what The Divine is saying to you and where your spirit is being led.

Another term sometimes used for a spiritual director is anam cara, a term used by Celtic traditions and meaning “soul friend.” A journey is better with a friend.  You don’t have to feel alone, they can help you when you reach rough terrain and catch you when you fall. For more about spiritual direction, visit Spiritual Directors International.