I grew up terrified of my own anger and afraid to have my own preferences. My personality was very much so “go along to get along.” I was good at telling what other people wanted and convincing myself that I had no preference, or even that I did in fact want what they wanted. Having a parent who was a survivor of childhood physical abuse, and being sensitive to the emotions of others, I was aware that my parent became a huge ball of stress and fear when anyone got angry. In their mind, when someone got angry, it was likely that someone would get hurt.
Because of these factors, BDSM was far from my mind. Add to that the fact that I grew up in the midst of Christian purity culture in the 90s, and I had no idea how much I would love being a dominant. Purity culture was a movement wherein every youth event seemed to be about not having sex until you were married and girls being “modest” to avoid causing boys to think sinful thoughts. Because of purity culture, I idealized romantic relationships and could not imagine doing anything “disrespectful” to my partner.
I had been married several years before I really internalized that if my spouse and I really wanted to do it, discussed it, and agreed to it, we could have all sorts of fun sex and still be in love. While we did enjoy some sorts of kink together, by-and-large our kinks did not line up.
Ultimately, things worked out for us. We were at a meet and greet and met another couple whose kinks did align.
I now have a service submissive who is also a masochist (we run a certain coaching business together), and we’ve been together for about five years. While our dynamic is fun, I have found healing and completeness through BDSM. I finally learned (outside of work, where my position gave me authority) to boldly ask for what I wanted, to demand it even, without fear of breaking a relationship with someone who mattered to me. Indeed, my sub thrives on having someone else to make decisions (after she has explored options).
Embracing my sadism (mostly through flogging and wax play) with a masochist has meant that I have learned the difference between anger and aggression. I have learned to feel and express my emotions more clearly, be more honest with myself about when I am angry, and begin to truly experience these emotions I had feared as just another set of emotions no different from others.This in turn, has made me much happier.
Interested in exploring the world of kink or BDSM? Let J.R. coach you through how to learn about kink and learn about how to communicate your desires to your partner.