Month: June 2023

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Growth Beyond Dissonance

flower

As human beings, it is not uncommon for us to experience dissonance, a state of discomfort caused by a disconnect between our thoughts and actions, or between our beliefs and desires. Navigating this dissonance plays a key role in how we change and grow. When we become aware of a dissonance, we experience distress.

It’s not pleasant to feel dissonance, but it is a prompt that indicates we need to change in some way. In what way though should we change? Does the thought or belief need to change, or is it the action or desire that needs to change? It’s hard to even think clearly about what needs to be changed when we’re in the grips of being distressed about the dissonance we’re feeling.

I had this same experience when I first began to question my sexuality, gender, and desired relationship dynamics. Red felt this same dissonance when she wanted to reconnect with her faith. As a pastor, I had colleagues that I could go to for advice, but for most of them, I knew what the answer would be. I knew who would tell me to stay closeted and who would tell me to come out. It took some hard thought and effort to find a peer who would listen to my situation and really help me untangle the mess that I was in.

This is now one of the services that I provide for others. Let me help you explore what you believe, what you want, and your feelings behind this dissonance. I won’t tell you what to do, I will help you unpack what you are experiencing and help you uncover your path forward.

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Why Do I Do This?

lake night

Red

Looking at my life and the crazy turns it has taken I can see how I got here. The need to help people and make sure they feel important and seen has been a part of who I am from a very young age. I grew up in a non-denominational Christian church with a father who loved God and wanted nothing more than to be in heaven, but he also did not question anything taught at church. My mother who had a profound love for God still insisted that her children have critical thinking skills and ask questions. I can not say that this has made my life choices easier, and I still have many personal trauma issues with regard to my religious upbringing. What it did was give me the compassion to think about things from other people’s perspectives rather than my own. 

I identify as straight and I would never have even considered polyamory or kink or anything other than a traditional mainstream lifestyle in the past mainly because of the extreme religious doctrine surrounding sexuality and intimacy that I grew up with. I grew up in the late 80s early 90s so the LGBTQ+ community was still quite on the fringe. “Transgender” as we know it now wasn’t something people spoke of but of course it was there. I never understood the vilification of the community. In my view, God was a loving parent to ALL of God’s children and God’s anger was reserved for those that did not take care of or hurt others. My mother made sure I valued inclusion and I was rather shielded from the prejudices within my church home at the time. 

It was as an adult and as a parent that I soon realized the discrepancy between what I truly believed God to be and what my “church” was telling me God was. It was incredibly disheartening. How could you shun someone just for loving someone? This flew in the face of everything I believed God to be. This became even more apparent when my middle child came out to us at the age of 13 as non-binary. We of course welcomed them and their identity with open arms but they were extremely hesitant to be their true self, especially at our church. 

As the political and religious climate became more and intense surrounding the LGBTQ+ community I was also finding out some things about myself. I am polyamorous. I have a need for multiple intimate, loving relationships. I don’t do simple friendships, they aren’t always sexual of course but I truly LOVE those I consider friends both physically and emotionally.

So here I was with a child who was being shunned and labeled a ‘sinner” in the eyes of my church and then there was me, a loving person who tries to make others happy also a “sinner” because of the love I have. It is only in the last few years that I’ve tried to bring harmony to these two elements of my life.

I never stopped believing in God, but am only now trying to restore my relationship to church. Loving people, loving who you are, accepting who you are and sharing that love and joy with others IS what God intended for all of us. God wants us to experience the vast limitless love that the divine has for us. God gave us this life to enjoy and revel in, not hide in the shadows and judge each other.

I want to remind people who need it and deserve it that God has never stopped loving them. Working with the LGBTQ+, kink, non-monogamous, and alternative lifestyle communities is my way of sharing God’s love which in the end is what Jesus commanded of us. Love one another, nothing more, nothing less.

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Tips for Effective Communication

polyamory heart

Polyamory Series

Polyamorous relationships can be an exciting and rewarding experience, but it also requires a great deal of communication and understanding between all parties involved. Unlike monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships involve multiple partners and require a higher level of communication to ensure that everyone’s needs are being met.

It’s important to establish good communication techniques right from the start. Here are some tips to help you communicate effectively in your relationship:

1. Be honest and transparent

Honesty is key in any relationship, but it’s especially important in a polyamorous one. All parties involved need to be open and transparent about their feelings, desires, and boundaries. This means being honest about what you are looking for in the relationship, what your limitations are, and what you’re comfortable with.

2. Listen actively

Effective communication involves active listening, which means paying attention to what your partners are saying and responding in a way that shows you’ve heard and understood them. Emphasize hearing before forming your own judgements, responses, or questions.  Make sure you’re fully present when you’re having conversations with your partners, and take the time to ask questions and clarify any misunderstandings.

3. Check in frequently

Polyamorous relationships require ongoing communication to ensure that everyone’s needs are being met. Check in with your partners regularly to see how they’re feeling and what they need from the relationship. This can help you avoid misunderstandings and address any issues before they become bigger problems.

4. Respect boundaries

Setting boundaries is an important part of any relationship, but it’s especially important in a polyamorous one. Make sure you respect your partners’ boundaries and communicate your own clearly. This can help you avoid misunderstandings and ensure that everyone feels safe and respected in the relationship.

5. Use “I” statements

When communicating your feelings, use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. This can help you avoid sounding accusatory or confrontational and can make it easier for your partners to understand your perspective. For example, instead of saying “you never listen to me,” you could say “I feel unheard when I’m talking to you.”

6. Be patient

Effective communication takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and your partners as you work to establish good communication techniques. Remember that it’s okay to make mistakes and that learning to communicate effectively is an ongoing process.

Polyamorous relationships require good communication techniques to ensure that everyone’s needs are being met. By being honest and transparent, actively listening, checking in frequently, respecting boundaries, using “I” statements, and being patient, you can establish a strong foundation of effective communication in your new and future relationships.