These are my reflections and not necessarily how others view their role. As with all kink related activities they MUST ALWAYS be safe, sane, and consensual between adults.
Submission is defined by Merriam-Webster as the following:
- A: a legal agreement to submit the decision of arbitrators B: an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection)
- the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant
- an act of submitting to the authority or control of another
The Wikipedia BDSM Glossary defines submissive as: a person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified period (Not to be confused with “bottom” or “slave”). When I define submission and being a submissive I incorporate both the vanilla and the kink definitions. Since the beginning of my exploration and trying to figure out where I fit into all this and even if I do, I kept coming back to these definitions.
I thought I was a switch. I mean, that makes sense since I’m an insane control freak. I like to have a plan for everything! A map set out and one I have created. Clearly I couldn’t possibly be solely submissive with that kind of attitude, right?
Let’s look at the first part of the Webster definition, “a legal agreement to submit the decision of arbitrators or an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection)”. In all my controlling needs, I never really make my final decisions. I always submit my ideas, desires and/or body to someone and in the end what is chosen is what I consent to doing.
Then I thought, well I must not be completely submissive because I am anything but compliant sometimes. However, after careful examination over the last 5 years, I’ve come to realize this is not entirely true. In the process of submitting my ideas, desires and/or body, I may get a little “bratty” or “non-compliant” while waiting for a final decision in hopes to push it in my favor. In the end though, what is decided is final. When given a decision sternly and with finality, I am 100% compliant. I am humbled daily by those in authority that I respect that view me as a “good girl”.
Then there is the actual act of submitting to the authority or control of another (which in this case is also part of the BDSM definition, so I shall use them together). I have realized that this kind of submission is what I crave. Not that I don’t have my own thoughts or ideas but to have one person make those final decisions. I am not one that is comfortable making the final decision. I will worry and second guess myself every time. If I want to give someone my body to use, of course I will have ideas and thoughts about how this should be done, but in the end they decide how that looks (either incorporating my ideas or completely dismissing them. Within negotiated limits.). Either way, I feel free when the decision is made and less likely to worry.
I used to think I was a swtich because I was attempting to put vanilla world filters over the roles. I control my work, my family, interactions with friends, so I must not be submissive. I am re-thinking this based on what I see when I’m not vanilla. At my very core (even in vanilla life), I’m happy to be a “worker bee”, I get pride out of doing a job or task presented to me and being told I’ve pleased people. With those I allow close to me and to be intimate with, I crave direction and authority and I’m happy to be of service.
So being submissive and submission mean this to me: allowing the give and take of ideas and desires between me and my Dom but ultimately following his authority and decision. It means respecting him as that decision maker both publicly and privately. It means I give up part of myself to gain a part of myself.
If you have been questioning what your “role” is and how to define it within the kink community J.R. Wolfe Coaching is here to help. Check out our service offerings HERE.